Cancellations

I am trying hard not to be upset that my mother cancelled coming this weekend for a second time. It's not surprising for 2 reasons.

(1.) They had some snow and the roads are slick.
(2.) We rarely have anyone from my family come visit us.

To lay it all out, here goes.

I very rarely had anyone come to any events when I was in school. I was smart and athletic and alone.  

I'm only pity-partying a little here.

My mother took me to college, dropped me off and left. Didn't even spend the night. That very first night in Knoxville I ended up in the ER with a 104 fever. Luckily I had relatives in town who could help me.

In the 4 years I was in Knoxville, my mother came only one other time to visit which was for the sole purpose of not really visiting me but to see if I was living with Andy.

I'll leave that one hanging since my step dad is on FB.

No I won't.

Of course I was living with Andy. I moved in with him a week after I met him. Big deal. It was the best decision I ever made.

I also called home every day to my mother and every few days to my father. Why? To keep them from checking up on me?

No, because I cared. And that's not me trying to seem good, that's honestly it. I cared about my family. And just until recently I called my mom several times a week. I am so busy and tired that I don't call as often but oddly, even before the 21st century, phone calls were able to be made in both directions, not just one.

Shocker.

She is very uninvolved in my kids' lives. She has been here once in the last 6 months. She didn't make it to a single baseball game, swim meet or cross country race.

I have had THE hardest pregnancy. Among other things, I had vertigo and thought I had a brain tumor, for goddsake, and did she once ever even offer to come help me, with the kids or anything else?

Ummm..that would be a negative.

I try to understand and have made excuses for years.

My dad treated her like crap.
She was a single mother.
She has depression.
Etc.

But I can't any more.

I am a mother almost 5 times over and regardless of the differences in our upbringing, our marriages, whatever, being a mother means being a mother. It doesn't mean constantly making excuses to make your life easier.

Sorry.

I cannot IMAGINE not going to the boys' games. Not helping with their homework. Not reading books to them.

Some days it takes a little more (or a lot more) effort than others to make yourself get on your hands and knees to build a train track. But you do it despite the fear that the terrible sciatica that has kept me from doing most anything for 10 days doesn't render me unable to get back into a standing position.

Just like you visit your kid in college for reasons other than to make sure that your kid is living the way you think (and God thinks) is the right way. You do it because you love them. And hope they are safe.

Is that why she doesn't come visit any more often than she does?

That she doesn't approve that we aren't raising our kids the way she would? Just disregard the fact that my kids are well-behaved, well-adjusted and nicer than so many of the kids who "go to church".

I am very interested in Buddhism.

Don't even attempt to bring the Buddha up in front of her. That's the same thing as saying we are devil worshippers because, obviously, that's what atheists are. Devil worshippers.

The problem there lies in the fact that atheists don't believe in the devil either. I believe in me and I know that with effort and time, I can be an even better, stronger person. And that can come only from within myself.

So now I've ranted.

What I should do is just call her and say, "You know what. I know I shouldn't be upset that you are cancelling because I know the roads are slippery. What I am upset about is that I feel like I have never been important enough to you to warrant any extra effort to make me feel special and loved."

But then, by doing that, how will I affect her depression? Or a start a fight?

All I know is that my kids will never feel the way I feel. I will be exhausted from making it to every game, every practice that I can. I never, ever want them to feel like I didn't do enough. Even with 5 of them.

Nothing is ever easy. Especially raising kids. 

Bird Crap

Why is it so hard for me to not say mean things about people?

Is it better to hold it inside, all the negativity?

Or better to put it out there? Ahh, mean spirit, go free.

I know why, honestly.

(1) If I wanted to truly get rid of negative thoughts, what I should do is to just realize I feel a certain way and then, just let it be. But for some reason, I fixate on things, refuse to let go and I must share. And not the good kinda share.

It's harder to forget about it than it is to just say something, mean and loud.

(2) I can come up with some pretty damn mean funny things on the fly to say about people.

(3) I want (need) people to agree with my point-of-view.

Why do I need others to agree with me?

To show that I'm right? Smart? Funny? Intuitive?

All of the above, most likely.

Can't I be funny without being hurtful? Of course. But that's not "who" I have been. Is it "who" I want to be?

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Our neighbors behind us, the ones who hate us and our dogs, had 2 gorgeous trees in their front yard. 80-100 year old trees, most likely. And I'm a self-avowed tree hugger.

Love me some trees. Do them no necessary harm and damn you if you do.

She had them both cut down, from what I am told, because they block her view. Really? They live in Florida most of the time.

The saddest part of the whole thing was when the magnolia was mostly gone, just a third of the bare trunk left, on top of a pile of magnolia logs where the tree used to stand, sat one confused looking bird.

And truthfully, I hope that bird craps on her van.

Multiple times, and causes rusty crap spots all over it.

I was at a meeting last night and couldn't help bringing up the tree situation in front of friends, and I said some very mean things about her. I shouldn't have. I knew it before I said a single word but I steam rolled ahead, expletives and all.

I still feel guilty because deep down, I don't think I want to be that person any more. But years and years of biting remarks rarely reigned in are hard to stop.

Losing Bits of Myself

I think that trying to remove unnecessary worry and strife from my life is a good thing. I am a liberal, a shameless, tree hugging, peace loving liberal.

Take from that what you will.

I am very far left. Possibly to the left of left. That being said, I am beginning to understand (1) why moderates are important and (2) why it is important to see both sides of everything, politics and otherwise.

I attribute these revelations to one very hot, very smart, excruciatingly humorous 50ish Jewish man.

I need not name names.

I can continue to tout my leftist beliefs because even though conservatives I know swear I'll change as I age, I'm pretty certain that I will not. But I also am beginning to realize that change comes in baby steps and that like it or not, compromise is key.

I am "satisfied" with what happened with healthcare (for now).

I am "satisfied" with the repeal of DADT (for now).

Like a lot of people who are of my persuasion, I was quick to jump on the conservatives for their violent talk and images and how this contributed to what happened in Arizona. I don't like the way "they" have gone about with their "don't retreat, reload" and the target symbols but I don't know how much, if at all, this type of rhetoric contributed to what caused the kid who pulled the trigger, to snap.

Everyone is responsible for their own words and actions, and a lot of us, myself included, should think more about what we say and how we say it.

I am the one who barked at the neighbor who complained about our dogs barking.

By making these kind of revelations about myself: being okay with moderation, curbing my f-word habit, attempting to not badmouth people, not jumping on the liberal, leftist bandwagon (even though most of it I believe), I feel like I'm losing bits of myself.

Maybe this is part of growing up.

Maybe I really am making myself happier. I feel happier. I have noticed that I am starting to look harder at things and thinking more.

But I do know one thing, and I think Lydia Williamson will agree with me here.

If I had to be stranded on a desert island with someone (if by chance the husband was hospitalized or something) John Stewart is the guy.

Jon Stewart and a LOT of red wine.

Pocket Dial Promise

Now to add to my (long) list of things to work on for myself, to make me the perfect person (HA) is to totally quit badmouthing people, mostly "real" people, people I come into contact with on a personal level, so that I can still badmouth celebrities and politicians.

There is just so much I can do and if I can't slam a Beck or Palin a few times a day, is my life truly worth living? And seriously, what do they care anyway? They don't. They exist to piss people like me off. Let's just be honest.

I'm worried about slipping up and offending people I really care about.

I also feel somewhat bad about badmouthing Finn's All Star Baseball coach who honestly sucked on many levels but rather than saying that, I could more kindly say "Really, he doesn't have kids and doesn't know how to treat them."

From now on, I will speak as though there is always the chance that the person I want to say something unkind about is listening, accidentally having been pocket dialed by moi.

I mean, it's totally true, if you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything. If I could only behave like I try to teach the kids, I would be a much better person.

Not Fair

Last year I stuck to my New Year's Resolution until about mid-summer, about the time I felt miserable from heat, pregnancy & 4 kids. That resolution involved the F-word.

I am re-upping my intention to MOSTLY rid my vocabulary of this word.

In addition, I am sick of listening to myself complain because really, what do I have to complain about?

Sciatic nerve hurts?
Can't get up off the couch?
NONE of my pants fit me!
The kids are:
1. Loud.
2. Fighting about something pointless.
3. Bec won't leave poor, sick pup alone.

The list goes on, but really, there is just so little I have true reason to complain about so I intend to nix complaining from my repertoire.

I will probably complain for about 10 hours at the end of February but I will NOT complain about anything pointless.

This is not so much a New Year's Resolution as it is a life resolution.

I don't want to raise complainers so I figure the best thing I can do to avoid that is to not do it myself.

Turning the Holidays into More than Just Surviving

I am such the pessimist at Christmas time. I don't mean to be, I just am. The buying of all the stuff really stresses me out. It's just so much. It's TOO much.

As a family we don't have religious reasons to celebrate. We celebrate more as the end of one year becomes another. We celebrate the good things that have happened in this year and look forward to what will happen after December 31. We celebrate family, friends and giving.

I think that one reason we, the Fitzsimmons, continue to celebrate this time of year is that it is special and fun to be a part of something when SO many other people are celebrating. The lights. The traditions. The carols. The luminaries. The anticipation. The unity.

The amount of money we spend on our kids this time of year makes me want to puke, but other than their birthdays, we are pretty strict about not buying toys and crap throughout the year. The kids know this and so they prepare for Christmas months in advance.

They are excited beyond belief and I can't bear to disappoint them.

Sometimes I wish we had never given into all the consumer hoopla but now, there's no going back, now we just have to move forward.

Next year, a few things will change.

For Andy and I, it really is about giving. We don't really buy gifts for each other but rather give what we can to the kids and relatives, whether it is a gift or time given.

Yesterday we made a day trip to visit with family. The look on my grandmother's face when we surprised her through her den window was worth every bit of exhaustion it took to make it there.

With the kids, we talk about giving, and we do give throughout the year to whatever comes up at school to raise money or canned goods for those in need. Jack's class, through a poinsettia sale, raised enough money to make a good Christmas for two families.

Starting in 2011, I want to do what Jack's class did. I want to help support a family in need. Our family to another family. Make it real. Make it count and help my kids see how fortunate we are and truly how lucky we are to not need for anything.

I think that whether you celebrate for religious reasons or any other reason, many of us could do more at Holiday time, at Christmastime, in the spirit of giving.

From this point forward, that aims to be one of my my goals for us as a family.

Holiday giving.

Slow Hike

Took the boys on a hike today at the new Enterprise South Nature Park after ensuring Rowan didn't have strep or the flu. We had a fast lunch in the parking lot before starting.

Things didn't begin so smoothly. Jack insisted that he shouldn't have to carry our backpack with water because his back was not totally healed. He sulked until I finally (wrongly) lost my temper and said it was fine to let his 7 months pregnant mother carry it.

He immediately felt guilty and begged for me to give it back, which I refused. His attitude completely turned around.

They played in a mostly dry creek bed and all found walking sticks. Poor Rowan's kept snapping in half, because of his strength I told him.

They crossed this cool tree over the creek bed.

They found sticks to turn into daggers and went repeatedly through these disgusting drainage ditches which Finn said had sewer in them because the water had bubbles in it. Bec called them "Time Tunnels" from his favorite show Dinosaur Train.

After we got home, the three older boys got their pocket knives (this was Andy's doing) and sat in the front yard carving their sticks into daggers.

We turned around after half a mile because Bec was tired.

Other than losing my tongue a little with Jack at the beginning, I was actually pretty proud of myself. I found myself not hurrying them or trying to get the to stay on the trail. I was relaxed. They had fun.

Not hurrying through things is a biggie for me to work on. We go-go-go all the time and I swear, when we don't, everybody is happier.

This is a picture of my pee in the parking lot before we started hiking. I was beside the driver's side door. Bec found me. Told me that the pee was on my foot (which it was) and that it "wooked like a Trismis Tree" (which, honestly, if you use your imagination like a three year old would, quite resembles a Trismis Tree).