it was the day before Thanksgiving....

Since the hell broke loose with my grandmother yesterday, I've realized 2 things.

1. You really can never make everyone happy.

And that being said,

2. I'm sick of trying.

The holidays for kids with divorced parents are probably the hardest time of the year outside of birthdays maybe. The year my dad left, he left on Halloween. I knew he had gone but my mother hadn't yet told us. I intentionally asked to use one of his t-shirts for a costume knowing there were none left in the house. Later that night, at the Halloween festivities at the National Guard Armory, I was jumping in the bounce house when I saw my dad walk up.

I don't remember tons of things from my childhood, but I do remember that image, my daddy sauntering up at the back entrance to the Armory on Halloween Night. Sadly I can remember the incredibly awkward Thanksgiving that followed.

My parents divorced shortly after that (I think) and my mother moved us to Germantown, figuratively so far away from the small town where I had been raised for a decade. In our case, there was always fighting between my parents or ugly comments not meant to be discussed in front of children.

And the Holidays were the pinnacle of stress and unhappiness for me. Pulled between 2 families who hated each other. Always feeling out of place and out of sorts.

As a parent with children of my own, I have tried to balance our Holidays between our house, my in-laws, my mother, and my grandmother's (since my dad passed away). I always feel the pressure to make sure we do exactly what we are supposed to, be where we're supposed to and try like hell to make sure no one (mom's side/dad's side) feels like they've been shafted in any way, shape or form.

I don't believe that I have truly enjoyed a Holiday season since I was probably 9 and I've always wondered why. I doubt I've ever given my own kids the kind of jolly Christmas experience that they deserve. I dread it. Every year.

But maybe this will be the year I change.

Forget about making myself miserable for the sake of someone else's happiness (or selfishness).

I want this Holiday season to be about making MY family happy, my bah humbug self included.

And I aim to do just that. I've cleared the place for the tree while "Buddy" our Elf on the Shelf circles the outskirts of the living room in anticipation.

I'm glad for today for:
(1) recognizing where my Holiday Blues stem from
(2) believing I have the "balls" to change my Holiday karma and
(3) "Buddy" the Elf, because Will Ferrell IS the new Chevy Chase.