Cancellations

I am trying hard not to be upset that my mother cancelled coming this weekend for a second time. It's not surprising for 2 reasons.

(1.) They had some snow and the roads are slick.
(2.) We rarely have anyone from my family come visit us.

To lay it all out, here goes.

I very rarely had anyone come to any events when I was in school. I was smart and athletic and alone.  

I'm only pity-partying a little here.

My mother took me to college, dropped me off and left. Didn't even spend the night. That very first night in Knoxville I ended up in the ER with a 104 fever. Luckily I had relatives in town who could help me.

In the 4 years I was in Knoxville, my mother came only one other time to visit which was for the sole purpose of not really visiting me but to see if I was living with Andy.

I'll leave that one hanging since my step dad is on FB.

No I won't.

Of course I was living with Andy. I moved in with him a week after I met him. Big deal. It was the best decision I ever made.

I also called home every day to my mother and every few days to my father. Why? To keep them from checking up on me?

No, because I cared. And that's not me trying to seem good, that's honestly it. I cared about my family. And just until recently I called my mom several times a week. I am so busy and tired that I don't call as often but oddly, even before the 21st century, phone calls were able to be made in both directions, not just one.

Shocker.

She is very uninvolved in my kids' lives. She has been here once in the last 6 months. She didn't make it to a single baseball game, swim meet or cross country race.

I have had THE hardest pregnancy. Among other things, I had vertigo and thought I had a brain tumor, for goddsake, and did she once ever even offer to come help me, with the kids or anything else?

Ummm..that would be a negative.

I try to understand and have made excuses for years.

My dad treated her like crap.
She was a single mother.
She has depression.
Etc.

But I can't any more.

I am a mother almost 5 times over and regardless of the differences in our upbringing, our marriages, whatever, being a mother means being a mother. It doesn't mean constantly making excuses to make your life easier.

Sorry.

I cannot IMAGINE not going to the boys' games. Not helping with their homework. Not reading books to them.

Some days it takes a little more (or a lot more) effort than others to make yourself get on your hands and knees to build a train track. But you do it despite the fear that the terrible sciatica that has kept me from doing most anything for 10 days doesn't render me unable to get back into a standing position.

Just like you visit your kid in college for reasons other than to make sure that your kid is living the way you think (and God thinks) is the right way. You do it because you love them. And hope they are safe.

Is that why she doesn't come visit any more often than she does?

That she doesn't approve that we aren't raising our kids the way she would? Just disregard the fact that my kids are well-behaved, well-adjusted and nicer than so many of the kids who "go to church".

I am very interested in Buddhism.

Don't even attempt to bring the Buddha up in front of her. That's the same thing as saying we are devil worshippers because, obviously, that's what atheists are. Devil worshippers.

The problem there lies in the fact that atheists don't believe in the devil either. I believe in me and I know that with effort and time, I can be an even better, stronger person. And that can come only from within myself.

So now I've ranted.

What I should do is just call her and say, "You know what. I know I shouldn't be upset that you are cancelling because I know the roads are slippery. What I am upset about is that I feel like I have never been important enough to you to warrant any extra effort to make me feel special and loved."

But then, by doing that, how will I affect her depression? Or a start a fight?

All I know is that my kids will never feel the way I feel. I will be exhausted from making it to every game, every practice that I can. I never, ever want them to feel like I didn't do enough. Even with 5 of them.

Nothing is ever easy. Especially raising kids.